How Are You?
- 5 minsWritten by me, edited with robot assistance.
I think one of the hardest questions for me to answer right now is also probably the most normal question people ask.
“How are you?”
Or…
“How have things been?”
For basically my entire life, I had a very easy answer.
“I’m good!”
“I’m great!”
“Things are great!”
And usually with way more excitement than the question probably deserved 😅
It was easy. It was automatic. And I didn’t really have to think about it.
If I say I’m great and I say it enthusiastically enough, then we’re good! Question answered. Nobody has to feel weird. Nobody needs to ask a follow-up. And, maybe most importantly, I don’t have to figure out how I actually am.
But while recovering from autistic burnout and trying to unmask more of myself, I’ve realized I really don’t like answering that way anymore.
Because I don’t know if I’m “great.”
That doesn’t mean I’m not great. I just… don’t really know what “great” means?
Great has too many variables.
Am I great at work? At home? Am I sleeping well? Am I stressed? Am I having a good day? A good week? Am I happy? Am I overwhelmed? Do I have enough energy?
Like… which one are we measuring? 😅
“Great” can mean so many things that, for me, it kind of ends up meaning nothing.
And I think that’s part of why I used it for so long.
It was an easy answer to a complicated question.
I didn’t have to actually figure out any of those variables.
I could just say I was great.
Lately my go-to answer has somehow become:
“I’m consistent.”
Which is a very weird answer to “How are you?” 😂
Sometimes I say “I’m trying to be consistent.”
And that feels a lot closer to the truth.
But maybe “consistent” isn’t even the right answer.
Maybe it’s:
“I’m solid.”
Not good. Not bad. Definitely not “great!” 😅
Just… solid.
I think consistency is what gets me there.
My autism and ADHD can pull me in different directions. I want sameness and predictability, but I also want novelty and stimulation. I want routine until I desperately want something new.
Being consistent doesn’t mean every day needs to be identical. It means I’ve found somewhere in the middle where those parts of me feel a little more balanced.
Centered might be another word for it.
I don’t need every day to feel great.
I just want to feel like my feet are underneath me.
“Content” is another word I keep coming back to, although that word feels like it has this weird negative connotation. Like being content means you’ve settled. You’ve stopped trying. You should want to be great instead.
But I don’t know if I do.
I want similar days.
I want to be consistent.
I want things to be easy.
I want to think less.
I want to be chill.
I want to be whatever “happy” is without constantly needing to figure out if I’m happy.
And it’s not that I’m unhappy! I actually think I have a generally happy-go-lucky feeling about life.
But I’m also realizing I probably spent a lot of my life masking and amplifying that part of myself.
And I’ve heard versions of this idea lately that I seem more like myself again. More like I used to be.
I know what people mean when they say that. And I know they mean it as a good thing.
And part of me likes hearing it!
But I don’t really want to go back.
I think I knew who I was.
The exhausting part was figuring out how to be that person in this world.
How should I act here? What does this person expect from me? What am I supposed to do in this situation? How much energy should I have? How excited should I be? What do I need to push through?
There was so much thinking involved in just… being me.
And I got really good at it.
But it took a lot of effort, stress, and energy to make everything fit together the way I thought it needed to.
That’s the part I don’t want back.
I don’t want to become a different person.
I want being the person I already am to feel easier.
Some of that old version was masking. Some of it was covering things up. Some of it was pushing through things because I thought that was just what you did.
And that was exhausting.
Eventually, it was painful.
So recovering from burnout can’t mean getting really good at doing all of that again.
I don’t want to recover my ability to mask.
I don’t think recovery means getting back to where I was. I think it means figuring out what a sustainable version of me actually looks like. Maybe that version can’t do everything I used to do. Maybe he doesn’t want to. And I think I’m becoming more okay with that.
I want to be me.
Chill. Consistent. Content.
And maybe eventually that person looks a lot like the person everyone remembers.
Maybe I’m still excited. Maybe I’m still optimistic. Maybe I’m still happy-go-lucky. Maybe I still get way too excited about things.
I hope I do.
I just want those things to be there because that’s actually me.
Not because it’s what I think I should be.
Not because it’s what somebody else expects.
Not because “I’m great!” is the easiest answer to the question.
And none of this means I don’t want people to ask me how I’m doing. Please do!
And if you tell me I seem more like myself again, that’s okay too. I’ll probably be happy to hear it. 🙂
I just think about those things differently now.
I’m not trying to get back to exactly who I was.
I think I’ve always had a pretty good idea of who I am.
I’m learning a different way to be him.
Maybe that’s why “How are you?” has become such a complicated question.
It’s not really about figuring out who I am.
It’s figuring out how I am and how I want to be.
So… how am I?
I think I finally have an answer.
I’m solid. 🙂
